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January 26, 2007
Spencer
All of my life, the dogs that have come to me through childhood till nearly 4 years ago have always lived into old age. I just took it for granite.
It is hard to see them slow down and lose abilities to function. We love our animals so much. Never did I envision losing so many dogs long before their time should be up.
I have such a sad heart at this moment. I have lost one of my best friends and closest family members... Spencer. He was not yet 3 years of age.
A very strong, over 90 lb., reddish brown male mix of Rottweiler and we don’t know what else... just a sweet, big bear of a dog who charmed us completely.
Nearly 4 years ago, we lost Cooper. This was such a tragedy for many reasons, but mainly because we never found out what really happened to him... he just disappeared. He was almost 2 years old... a beautiful, large Rottweiler, Catahuala mix with one blue eye. We were crushed, as George went to the City Pound and the SPCA daily, for over two months.
I continued to check every animal shelter web-site, with all the sad pictures staring back at me each day. We are fairly sure of what probably happened to him.... so similar to Spencer.
Jake was Weimaraner who helped me raise the boys... he was a big part of their childhood, to say the least. He was almost 17 years old, and I have realized since, that he was probably suffering for far too long, but who ever wants to have their loved one put to sleep? He had tumors, and I was told that he had a massive brain tumor that was his demise. How could I not be aware... why did he have to suffer?
Oscar and Zoe were brother and sister, who were a Catahuala and we think, a Chow mix. Both had a very special place in our hearts. Oscar went first, and six months later, his sister died from the same genetic heart problem... they were both just 6 years old.
Zoe was a huntress, and the matriarch of the pack. She had a sweetness about her, but she was also cunning and quick. My youngest son really bonded with her, and this was funny, because originally he didn’t want a female. She would just slip up onto his lap and curl into his arms... he loved her.
In the early evening yesterday, I realized the two male dogs were not in the backyard. It was getting dark as I got into my car and called George about their missing. I drove around for about half an hour and George arrived to help. Nearly 20 minutes later, Louie showed up at the house without Spencer. Then George looked at me and said, “You should probably look on Bellaire”. I went with a sense of dread and as I drove up past the middle school, there he lay on the sidewalk. He had been hit by a car.
His body was still warm, but he had already left it behind. George came to take him away.
I did not sleep much. I continued to believe that this was a terrible nightmare, only to realize that it was... a living one.
My entire body aches. My face is swollen with red, distorted eyes. How can a body weep so much? I feel like something was pulled from my deep inside of me.
We loved Spencer so much, and he will be sorely missed.
Posted by kay at 01:46 PM | Comments (0)
January 20, 2007
An OZ
I was rushing around trying to find a menu and figure out which tables I had, as the restaurant was full and noisy. I went up to the two-top, where two ladies were busy talking away, and as I clumsily said hello, I asked them if they would like something to drink. They got quiet as I looked down to see that they already had their drinks. “Well, did you need a bit more time, or are you ready to order?” The lady on the left promptly asked me if I knew what an ‘OZ’ was... I fumbled, and then said, “It has been a little while since I have worked, so let me check for you.” I walked away quickly threw the noisy crowd of seated customers, looking for a familiar face to ask the question. I found a tall, middle-aged waiter behind a wall where I believe was a wait-station. “What is an OZ, and where is the floor chart? I don’t even know what tables I have.” I realized I didn’t know him, although he kind of looked familiar, as he proceeded to introduce himself.
He didn’t really seem to quite know what an ‘Oz’ was either, as he quickly began to look through the endless pages of what I was realizing was the menu. Mine, however, was apparently a much smaller version with many confusing pages, and as I looked for a page number that he gave me, he was pulled away with his busyness. I could find no such page... only printed material in a small book.
I looked in some large bin in front of me for a larger menu, but only found odd restaurant shopping bags and some sort of folding canvas things for someone’s use.
I looked down at my tickets and realized there were some hand written drinks on the back of one ( probably done by the person who sat the large table).
Oh God, I have a number of tables which have sat there waiting all this time without anyone approaching them... what a nightmare this was becoming... a waiter’s nightmare!
It was a dream, to be exact. The one I woke up with this morning. As I walked out of the bedroom with the disturbed feeling from the dream, I began to laugh about the question, “ What is an ‘OZ’?”
Of course, I thought of the only word I knew from the famous movie, and what the characters were trying to do... they were looking for the answers to their biggest problems or fears, so they could abolish them and enjoy life. Wow... how appropriate to have this dream now!
The characters only found an old man who proceeded to tell them that he didn’t have what they were looking for, for all along, they had all of their own answers... they just didn’t think to look inside.
This was another Ah-Ha moment... as I still am reading the ‘Conversations with God’ book. As a matter of fact, I was reading these words before I went to bed last night:
"This book is far from My only tool. You may ask a question, then put this book down. But watch. Listen. The words to the next song you hear. The information in the next article you read. The story line of the next movie you watch...."
This is what God says again and again to us. We have all that we are and all that we wish to be within us. It is that simple.
Message taken, and thank you very much... with love.
Posted by kay at 09:31 AM | Comments (0)
January 19, 2007
Love or Fear
It has been a while since I have written anything. I didn’t feel like I had anything important enough to say. There were plenty of things occurring of importance, but for me to put something down in words about them seemed redundant.
I was able to take a long walk this very cool morning, since the rain has finally subsided. We don’t often have temperatures drop like they did this past week, and along with the wetness, I was unable to bring myself to go out into it.
Walking along, I am thinking about this book that I picked up a few days ago. I have been digesting the words, which have more than overwhelmed me with their meanings, to say the least.
The book is titled, ‘A Conversation With God, and uncommon dialogue’, by Neale Donald Walsch.
If there are any questions about why we are here and what are we doing, the book more than explains our origins and gives the answers we so need to know.
The author is just taking down the words that are seemingly passing through his body to his pen and paper, as he asks questions. As I read, I am aware of the my inner being shaking with excitement as it seems to know these words speak true... I already knew these truths!
The words tell us how we all, already know... that we are not here to learn, but to remember. Oh, God. That is what I kept saying to myself.
God says that all emotions come from two places, Love and Fear. We have a choice, and most of us choose fear as the basis for our actions.
As I look around at our world, it is clear that this is sadly true. The book is not a gloom and doom approach, as God says, we have choices and the ability to be all the Glory that we are... all the Love that we can manifest.
I want to buy a copy of this book for everyone I know, and many that I don’t, but I am sure only a handful will actually read it. Again, it is all about our choosing... or not choosing to see... to remember.
This latest piece that I have painted has come from the deepest part of my soul. I titled it, ‘Changing Winds’. I painted her before I started this book, but it is even more clear to me what I am doing and who I am, as I continue to remember.
Posted by kay at 09:50 AM | Comments (0)