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June 18, 2006
Exposure
Sometimes we sabotage ourselves, throwing something into our own path, sort of speak. It is usually a fear of what the outcome might be, if we allow the flow to happen.
In my case, I am aware that some of my fears surface at the oddest times. Right when I am looking to reach a higher goal or a more active intent in my pursuits.
I forget these ‘fears’, or tend to think they no longer bother me, and then something comes along that I start to procrastinate about. I come up with excuses and reasons why I need to do this or that other thing now, looking any other direction, but straight into the face of what calls to me.
It is often subtle, and hides behind a mask created to give it another illusion.
Looking into my own reflection, I see that I am afraid of rejection; of others judging me to not be good enough. I have managed to trick myself into thinking that I may not be up to the task, when this is not really the issue. I am as good as who I am.... simply put. What others see is their personal ability, not my inability to be who I am or what I do.
I can rationalize this, but I can quickly find myself trying to stay afloat in the ‘approval of others’ pool. When I fall into this pattern, I set myself up for failure.
As an artist, I put my work out in front of others, and often, in front of those who are given the titles to officially judge what we artists do. This is a great part of my reason for having issue with the rationalization of self judgment.
If you wish to have your art out there, you must be put into this realm of judging, in some way or another. It could be a museum curator, a gallery owner, a judge in a juried competition, an art critic, an art consultant, art patrons, your friends and fellow artists, a well meaning relative, or the guy who mows your lawn. The point is, the very nature of being an artist is about being scrutinized, and sometimes in the most uncomfortable ways.
Some people will say it is a fear of success. Maybe there is some of this element inside of the space of rejection. Perhaps it comes down to not feeling lovable?
Well, one can hardly expect a complete stranger who looks at your art, as a candidate for judging how lovable you are, but I suppose I can see how some people harshly judge themselves in this way. That is too painful to imagine.
I think, no matter who we are, or what we do, we are there in front of others, and always vulnerable to their judgment. It makes no difference that I am an artist, when I see it in this way.
I know I must focus on the best part of who I am, and what I do.... my art. How anyone sees it or feels it will never be in my control, and that is naturally a good thing. I am learning to be comfortable with this, but not without some waves.
One thing that comes to the surface, is how I see others. I am also capable of judging, and I know that when I cast this aside, I feel a weight has been lifted.
I will continue to put my art out there for others to see, and hopefully... enjoy. That is worth all the possible discomforts.
Posted by kay at June 18, 2006 09:42 AM